I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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