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i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
