Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
