The maid of honor just puked.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
