I can text with my tongue
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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