I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
