T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It was confusing and full of hummus
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
