Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Couch. On fire.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
