I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
