even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
