i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
