Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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