You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
