just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
