i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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