last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
