Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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