Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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