Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
