Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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