Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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