nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
