Girls should come with a carfax report
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
