you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
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Do I have a choice?
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Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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