If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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