Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
