Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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