Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
