Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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