Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
