Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
