I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
no, he came in my armpit
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
