before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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