i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
