Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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