alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
