Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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