sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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