Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
