my phone needs a breathalizer
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
