i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
