Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
