they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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