Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
