I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
