if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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