So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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