What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
