I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
