My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
